Stones Of Your Mind
by phonusbalonus
Summary: After Nick's dad leaves the squad room, a drunken Nick finds himself at Amanda's apartment. My alternate post Padre Sandunguero one-shot. This is a super sad ROLLARO fic...you've been warned. No smut here.
1. Chapter 1

**_Raise Their Voices_ (written under PerpetualSnare) is my other Post Padre Sandunguero oneshot. The end of that episode was like the Choose Your Own Adventure for possible follow up fics, so I wrote two of them.**

**Reviews are appreciated! **

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Amanda sat in her living room staring into space with a cup of tepid coffee clasped in her cold, trembling hands. She had just finished reading an article about Nick's father's assault trial.

_Whenever he felt jealous or disrespected, that is when he would beat my mother...__**and me**__…_

Had Amanda read that correctly? Had Nick Amaro–_her_ Nick–really admitted to a room full of strangers that he had been beaten by his father as a child? It was an incredible act of courage on his part. Amanda had certainly felt guilty about the way that she had lashed out at the bar back in November, but now she felt sick to her stomach. No wonder Nick had flipped out on her. She had likened Nick to a man who was the villain in his own personal family drama. But how could she have known? Nick had never opened up to her about the abuse at his father's hands. He hadn't let her in, just as she hadn't let him in. Amanda sighed and went to the kitchen to refill her cup of coffee. _Maybe it just goes to prove what a bad match we are for each other_, she thought. But if that were true, if they _really _were such a bad match, why was it so hard for Amanda to get Nick out of her head?

Amanda hadn't slept with anyone else since she and Nick had unofficially called it quits, even though she had had plenty of opportunity,_ especially_ on her recent trip to Costa Rica. It's not that she didn't want to have sex; it's just that she didn't want to have it with any of the sleazeballs who hit on her at the bars that she frequented. Or, maybe somewhere deep inside, Amanda realized that falling into bed with someone new would latch the deadbolt on the door which stood between her and Nick Amaro. In her heart, she wasn't ready to close that door. Amanda had loved him and _perhaps_ she still did.

The doorbell's buzz snapped Amanda out of her thoughts. She set her cup on the counter, walked to the door, and took a quick look through the peep hole to make sure it wasn't the creepy guy from 901C. She was surprised to see Nick standing in the hallway. As soon as Amanda unhooked the chain and opened the door, she knew that something was wrong. Nick's hair was rumpled and he seemed unsteady on his feet. He still wore his work suit but his tie was long gone. The sight of Nick's unkempt appearance had momentarily robbed Amanda of both her voice and her manners.

"Are you going to invite me in?" he slurred.

"Yea – I'm sorry." Amanda brushed her fingers through her hair quickly and stepped aside while trying to disguise her shock.

Nick stumbled past Amanda into the living room. Her place looked much the way that he remembered it. Before Amanda had a chance to speak, Nick let out the anger which had been building up in his chest all day.

"You know that bastard thinks that I have it in me to hit Zara? Where the hell does he get off?"

Amanda knew that Nick was talking about his father. What could she say? Amanda didn't know how to make this better for Nick, but she knew that he would never hit a child…_or_…a romantic partner. Nick wasn't the monster that his father was. How could she have ever insinuated otherwise?

"You would never do that Nick. We all know that."

"Even you?" Nick questioned as he took a rocky step closer to her.

"Of course. What I said…what I did…that wasn't me…you should know that." Amanda didn't like the fact Nick's anger had suddenly turned on her. Is that why he had paid her a visit? To tell her how wrong she had been about him? To settle an old score?

Nick walked up to Amanda and gripped her shoulders tightly with his hands. The hostility which he had carried in his face and body suddenly vanished as an acute sense of melancholy washed over him. Amanda was afraid, but not for herself. The self-destruction that she saw in Nick's eyes frightened her. She knew that he would never hurt her. Nick's face was inches away from Amanda's. He slowly ran his right palm over her sculpted cheekbone.

"I've missed you," Nick purred after he pulled his hand away from her face. She smelled the whiskey on his breath.

Was he going to try and kiss her? Or was he going to yell at her again? Amanda couldn't get a read on him. Nick must have sensed the apprehension in Amanda's face because he suddenly let go of her. Amanda exhaled deeply and was about to speak when Nick lurched into her bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Amanda listened uncomfortably as Nick emptied the contents of his stomach into her toilet. This just wasn't a few beers; this was a few beers and a bottle of something wicked. Amanda had never seen Nick so wasted. Finally, she heard the toilet flush. The bathroom door slowly opened and a bedraggled Nick stared at Amanda.

"Can I use your toothpaste?"

"Yea, of course." _His mouth must taste like the inside of garbage can_, Amanda thought. While Nick brushed his teeth, Amanda set a pillow and a blanket up on the couch. Nick wasn't in a state to go anywhere. She couldn't imagine how he had made it to her place in one piece. The last thing Nick needed was a DUI on his record.

"I set up a makeshift bed for you," Amanda said when Nick exited the bathroom.

"I'd rather sleep with you," Nick said honestly.

Amanda bit her bottom lip and gathered her courage. She _did_ want him, but not like this. If they were going to sleep together, he had to be present. "I don't think that is a good idea."

Even in his hazy state, Nick could see that Amanda wasn't going to budge on the matter. He resigned himself to sleeping on her couch. Besides, he'd probably fall asleep before he could even try to get his hands on her. Nick kicked off his shoes and slid underneath the blanket that Amanda had prepared for him. When his head hit the pillow he found himself thinking about how nice it was to be back in Amanda's apartment. "Amanda, I'm sorry."

Amanda didn't know what Nick could possibly be sorry about. She had been the one who had sunk the relationship.

"Don't be…just try and get some sleep." Amanda made a quick tour of the apartment in order to turn off the kitchen and living room lights. She heard Nick's breathing become more shallow as he started to settle into a deep sleep. Amanda thought that Nick was already asleep but when she walked past his recumbent form, he mumbled her name.

"Manda?"

"What?" She silently added the word _sweetheart_ after the '_what_' in her head.

"I love you."

Amanda's mouth dropped open as his words slid over her. Exactly what kind of love was Nick talking about? Was it the kind of love whose glories you wanted to shout about while standing on the rooftops of the world? Or was it a fraternal love for a good friend who let you crash on her couch when you were too drunk to drive home? Amanda's head was spinning. She took a step closer to the couch.

"Nick?" she whispered. No response or acknowledgement came from her guest's lips. "Nick?" Amanda said again, this time slightly louder. Again, there was no response. Nick was fast asleep.

Amanda turned around and walked into her bedroom, shutting the door gently behind her. Silent hot tears immediately started to fall from her eyes. Amanda fell onto her bed and buried her face in a pillow so that her crying wouldn't reach Nick's ears. Four months ago she would have given _anything_ to hear him say those three words to her, but now that he had, she wanted to shove them back down his throat. He was drunk out of his skull. Even if Nick meant what he had said, Amanda knew that she had to pretend as if she had _never_ heard his admission.

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**What did you folks think?**


	2. Chapter 2

_**I wrote a second chapter to this because five people followed the story even though it was listed as a one-shot. There won't be a third chapter. Sorry! It's complete!**_  
_**I apologize in advance for any typos.**_

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The next morning, Amanda woke up at about a quarter to seven when her dog began to persistently nudge her bare feet with a semi-wet and thoroughly cold nose.

"You want to go for a walk don't you, girl?"

Amanda thought about getting up when she remembered that Nick was passed out on her couch. The memory of the previous evening started to come back to her. Nick had been _so _angry…and then…_so _sad. Just thinking about it made Amanda's stomach do somersaults.

And then there had been Nick's comatose love confession. Would Nick even remember that he had told Amanda that he loved her? Amanda had wrestled with that question all night. Should she bring it up if he didn't? No–definitely not. Even if Nick did mean it, she wasn't going to accept the confession as truth unless he was sober–or _at least_ a lot less drunk than he had been. By the time Amanda had finished crying out her frustrations, but before she had drifted off to sleep, she had decided that the confession had been a product of Nick's inebriated and emotional state…nothing more than that.

Finally, Amanda's need to go to the bathroom made her get up. She got to her feet and peeked out of the bedroom door. Nick was still on the couch but was now in a semi-fetal position. _I should have given him two blankets, _Amanda thought to herself. _He must be cold. _But she had only one extra blanket in the apartment to spare._  
_  
Amanda tiptoed past Nick quietly and entered the bathroom. When she looked in the mirror, she was dismayed at how blotchy her face still was from the late night crying jag. Nick absolutely could _not_ see her like that. If he knew that she had been crying, it would just open up a messy conversation which she really didn't feel like having. She _needed _to get out of the apartment before Nick woke up.

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Nick finally stirred at 10 o'clock when his awareness of the cold became more acute than his desire to sleep. He peeked out from under the covers and looked around Amanda's modest apartment. The door to the bedroom was wide open and from the silence around him, Nick knew that he was the only person there. He also observed that he was lying under _two_ blankets instead of one. Amanda must have put an extra one over him after she had woken up. Nick's head felt like a six wheeler had run over it multiple times. He couldn't remember the last time that he had had so much to drink. What had gotten into him? Oh yes–that's right–his _pendejo_ of a father. Nick wondered why he still allowed his dad's emotional mind games to get to him. That asshole didn't deserve his love.

Nick's throbbing head tried to piece together the events of the previous evening. Why had he ended up at Amanda's apartment?

_I wanted to tell her off. _

After his dad left the squad room, Nick's mind had wandered to the infamous fight that he had had with Amanda at the bar, which got him pissed off at her all over again. He should have just pushed his anger away–but no–instead, it had gotten the better of him. Nick stopped by a bar near the precinct, where he had downed a couple beers and five glasses of whiskey. Why the bartender hadn't cut him off after the third whiskey was beyond Nick's comprehension. Somehow, he had stumbled to his car and had been steady enough to drive to Amanda's place without getting pulled over…he was thankful for that bit of silver lining in his cloud of shame. Nick had had plans to tell Amanda how wrong she had been about him and in his alcohol slathered brain the big confrontation was going to end with Amanda begging him to forgive her. What could go wrong with such a scheme? Everything…that's what….

Nick remembered entering Amanda's place and launching into a tirade about his father. He also remembered putting his hands on her shoulders, however he had melted when he felt Amanda's delicate shoulders tense up under his touch. The look which he had detected in her steel blue eyes had been a sickeningly familiar one. When he was a kid, he had seen it in his mother's eyes many _many _times. _Fear_ – that is what Nick had perceived in Amanda's eyes.

Nick also had some recollection of wanting to get Amanda into bed…he thought he remembered touching her face somewhere along the line. But then he had puked in her toilet for a solid two minutes. After that, had he really had the nerve to suggest that they sleep together? Nick closed his eyes in embarrassment. _She must think I'm a creep. _

The last thing Nick remembered was apologizing to Amanda. She had told him that there was nothing to be sorry about. Presumably, he had just laid down on the couch and had fallen asleep after that…just as well. If they had sex again, Nick didn't know how he would keep his promise to himself about staying away from her.

Out of the corner of his right eye, Nick spied a note on the coffee table.

_Hey,_

_I had to run some errands this morning and didn't want to wake you up. Feel free to take a shower – you know where the towels are. If I'm not back by the time you leave, show yourself out with the spare key. You can return it later.  
I hope the hangover is not too bad. Help yourself to whatever is in the fridge.  
Amanda._

The message made Nick smile. It was just the appropriate amount of concern on Amanda's part. Nick _did_ remember where the towels were located, but decided against taking a shower. He was still embarrassed about the way that he had acted; he didn't want to linger at the scene of his drunken blunder any longer than he had to. He would just settle for brushing his teeth before making his exit. Nick pulled off the blankets, slipped on his shoes, and then headed towards the bathroom. As he reached for the toothpaste he thought about how much worse the situation could have turned out. Nick sighed when he saw his sleep-worn face in the bathroom mirror. _At least I didn't say anything stupid last night, _he thought.

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**_What did you folks think?_**


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